may

i figured i could title this post may since it will be my only entry for this month.

so, the last week of april i went on vacation in the southwest. pretty in its own way, but not attractive in my eyes. but it did make me realize how much i like trees and greenary.

in two and a half weeks i leave for australia. i still need to make reservations for a few things i want to do there and call the airline for a vegan meal, but other than that, it seems all set.

i'm excited to be in lab, despite ups and downs and lack of progress. which is good. i don't even mind the thought of being there another three years. it seems so little since that is the length of time i've already been there. and i know this summer will go by SO quickly given all the trips, conferences, and apt hunting/ moving.

i'm still not going to church. how do i go somewhere i don't really believe in? that maybe is right spiritually but isn't out there helping the poor? or is, but isn't where i am spiritually, that will cause me to stagnate. and i'm having such good times with God on sundays lately. it's my only day to spend extended amounts of time with Him--hours if i feel like it (and i have). usually it's a rush to get in a few psalms and a quick prayer in the mornings.
i don't want to go to a large church--it's too easy to be anonymous, to get lost. i want to go somewhere where i have a voice, where i matter, where i contribute to the vision, to getting things carried out. where it's not just a dog and pony show, with a nice sermon/ lecture by a (slightly) good speaker. i want to know the people around me, create fellowship and love. how do i get that?

how do i fit into this world?
how do i concentrate on personal holiness? that is what i see slipping though. it's too easy to give that away, give that up. it's too easy to not grow, to not be challenged. i need a mentor, someone to teach me, to grow me up. how, where?

bring that into my life, God. someone to grow me.