bad wkd

first i offend someone in small group friday, get five hours of sleep friday night, spend all day saturday processing my feelings on the recent church fall out via the 50th anniversary celebration for my mom's church. sunday i come home after hurting my back picking up a bunch of food my mom wanted me to take back with me.

gah, my back was in incredible pain. feeling a little better today. we'll see how aerobics goes in a few minutes.

i'm wondering what will happen with small group if my comment continues to offend. i tend to say things without thinking. you may not know that about me. i'm wondering what will happen either way. although it's fun and i enjoy these people the further i get away from church the more idiosyncratic it seems.

and now that i've blown what i really wanted to be a potential friendship it seems even more pointless.

esp given my state of desiring what i can't have. wanting my temptation. to give in, to give up. to just accept who i am--how i don't seem to fit into christianity.

sigh. that's my state right now. sign.